Monday, July 19, 2010

Roadblocks.... I mean Mindblocks

I am realizing that I have set up a lot of Roadblocks for myself. It's more mental, although the way my room is right now, it's pretty much one big roadblock for me to trip over, hoping I don't break my neck, most likely it will be my toe.
Where was I? Oh right, so I apparently have a fear of change, I know change happens constantly, and sometimes things change for the better like getting married, which has not happened for me yet, actually I am still waiting on the right man to come along, as getting married doesn't really work if you are alone, although there was some strange movie on Lifetime where the woman was going to get married to herself, of course while planning her wedding she meets the right guy..... I am sort of sick of Lifetime movies, same plot, same outcome, my dad would always make fun of those movies if my mom and I were watching one.
Back to my fear of change, I think it stems from a lack of self-confidence. I have a lot of goals and dreams (Don't you dare make a joke about my name). I am attending SCAD for my B.A. in Game Development which should help me achieve my goal of getting into the Gaming Industry, although I can honestly say my confidence in the goal was tested during the last couple of weeks since I felt like I was falling behind and I made the wrong choice, why am I even going to SCAD?! I should have gone into banking! Banking would have probably been a nightmare since I am not a fan of math. I am actually making improvements in my classes now, partly because I actually watched the tutorials (got a gift subscription to, Thanks Katherine!) and worked on my assignments more than usual. At the same time I have to watch that I don't fall into the habit of waiting until the weekend to get my projects done. Part of it is being lazy, and I think the rest goes back to my mental roadblocks, as much as I want to succeed, I am afraid of the change that comes with it. At the same time I feel extreme pressure sometimes from others who I feel think that I do not have any focus and that I should be working, (currently I am doing ad building). While I am sure they are looking out for my best interest, at the same time I feel absolute judgement, like "no you can't do anything right". Which leads me to missing my dad more because he didn't care what others thought, especially if you had a self-righteous attitude. He could be the most caring person, but the minute you did him wrong or thought of yourself higher, your opinion didn't matter to him. I wish I had a bit more of that attitude, I always doubt myself, even with writing a simple message, I can usually find something wrong with it, especially when someone else has taken something out of context.

So my goals for this week are to improve my classwork and take out a few of the roadblocks in my room like the papers, magazines, and clothes.

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